Following on from the hilarious VC Non-Admissions and Founder Non-Admissions, not to mention the subsequent Angel Investor Non-Admissions I’ve added my own take on this issue, from an SEO perspective.

10 things your SEO company will never say to you:

1. Our analysis indicates that your last SEO agency was far better value.
2. Most of what we do doesn’t work any more, but if you keep us long enough, we may eventually find something new.
3. Know-bodee will ever no that all of our arteecals are riten bi Indians,
4. We don’t understand branding, graphic design, PR, or copy writing, but have just changed everything randomly anyway.
5. We can help you rank for any keyphrase that has zero search volume, guaranteed.
6. We’re more of a design agency, but one of our staff has been reading a book about SEO, so we thought we’d give it a go.
7. Yes, this is my first time; by the time I know what I’m doing you won’t be able to afford me.
8. You’re launching a pointless product into an imaginary market and so even ranking #1 on Google isn’t going to save you.
9. You’d probably make a profit if we halved our fee.
10. What’s web analytics?